I Kneed Help

Sincere apologies for the title, but really -- this is getting ridiculous. It's been nearly two months since Atomic Man and my knee is still not functioning properly. After a total of probably five running-free weeks (and not in the Ryan Hall way) I'm searching for answers. Although I haven't found the right answers yet, but I have learned a few things along the way.

My first thought was that I needed a mental break anyway, so a physical break at the same time would give me a perfect month to reflect on my training and racing, not to mention my job, my friends and my life in general. Then things would come back together and I would be back in base-training mode.

When my knee wasn't healed after a week, I was frustrated, but not worried. After a few weeks of ice, rest and high-dose NSAIDS (which I suspect contributed to my five canker sores) I was pissed. After a few more weeks of biking, but not running, I was ready to see a doctor. Then I waited another week.

The problem is, I don't remember a specific injury. There's no swelling. It doesn't hurt enough to render me physically inable to run, though at 22 I've finally developed the good sense not to push it. Cycling doesn't bother it, but it sometimes hurts to tie my shoe. I can swim with no problems, but getting in and out of my car can be a chore.

I saw a doctor yesterday, who pronounced my (unnecessary, IMHO) X-rays perfectly clear. He diagnosed a weak hamstring and gave me a sheet of exercises to strengthen the offending area, with a two-month check-in date. I left the office less than comforted, because I didn't ask enough questions or point out my defenses, like:

• I was already strengthening before this injury
• Maybe a weak hammy is the root cause -- but something actually happened to my knee to make it hurt when it flexes sideways, or to make my knee sore the day after a run
• How do I know when to try to run again? I alternate between standing and sitting at work, and it's still sore. What would actual movement do to it?

And some pain is spreading to my hip flexor, but that might be a product of yoga moves gone wrong. UPDATE: my hip popped massively during a swim yesterday, and the soreness disappeared. I'm tempted now just to guess at possible causes -- and treatments. Did I hyperextend my knee without knowing? Do I have a minor tear somewhere inside? Would an MRI show anything? Should I take the alternative-treatment route, like acupuncture?

Weigh in, because I will listen. Speaking of weighing, if I go much longer without running, I'm going to throw away my scale -- because now, rather than maintaining endurance, I've been reduced to looping 10-minute kickboxing and cardio-blasting, better-booty-sculpting workout videos on the DVR. I just want to enjoy good food -- sweet or savory, doesn't matter -- and know that my regular workouts will take care of the waistline until it's time to really get in shape again.

College, From Two Angles

Things I Miss About College

1. Class: Possibly the highlight of college. I got what I paid for.
2. Drunk texts: Whether I sent or received the messages, and whether they were well- or poorly received, it was nice laugh off boozy communications.
3. Girls: Thousands of  'em. All over the place. Hot, too.
4. Front-yard parties: What's better than the great outdoors? Drinking in the great outdoors.
5. Unlimited meal plans: I lamented not having this plan as a "triathlete" with license to eat 50% more than Freshman-15 Drew.
6. Walking everywhere: Nothing was ever out of reach; plus, it helped fight the aforementioned Freshman 15. No risk of drinking and driving if you can stand The Strip.
7. TRECs: When you think about it, college is like a resort with expansive pools and a great workout room. Plus, Smoothie King!

Things I Don't Miss About College

1. Class: How much time did I waste learning stuff I already knew? Or stuff I might never use? 
2. Drunk texts: The day I learned to keep my phone from beeping every three minutes until it woke me up was a milestone. Also, sorry to anybody I drunk-texted. I don't remember it -- I swear.
3. Girls: Thousands of 'em. All over the place. Hot, too. Too hot for me. Wasted opportunities.
4. Front-yard parties: I never had real fun, especially once I realized that UTPD doesn't need a real reason to crash the party: Kegs full of flat, cheap beer. Mingling. Ugh.
5. Unlimited meal plans: How much poor-quality food can you stuff down in a single setting?
6. Walking everywhere: The sweat stains on my shirts and shorts were pretty embarrassing. The Strip gets really old.
7. TRECs: Meat-heads and guys with huge biceps/chicken legs abound. Smoothie King practically robs college students blind -- $7 for 1,500 calories of chalky protein? No thanks.

In other words, everything that is awesome about college also sucks. Is the shot glass half full, or half empty?

"I Just Really Want to Lose Three Pounds."

I conquered a feat of gastronomical proportions this weekend: the KFC Double Down.

After more than six months of promising myself that I would eat one, I finally ran out of excuses not to try this abomination. I didn't get one after the Rev3 Half Ironman, nor the 103-mile ride over the Cherohala Skyway. Ditto my Atomic Man 1/2 marathon, the Booker T Washington tri, or my Flintstone Triathlon victory. Not even after a normal, long-ish bike ride or run.

No, this "sandwich" was consumed after arguably my least-active week of the entire year. Following a week of recuperating my knee -- with little to show for it, by the way -- and eating accordingly less than I'm used to, my stomach craved a fat-frenzied protein pounding. And who am I to deny the onslaught? I waited until I was suitably hungry, then hit the drive-thru at the closest KFC.

My first complaint was that KFC shares a building (and kitchen) with Long John Silver's. I was jonesin' for some steak fries, but they only serve run-of-the-mill Silver's fries. Strike one. The drive-thru also took a really long time, but I'll excuse it because my Double Down was piping hot.

I had to take a picture. My fingers left a slight grease stain on my phone's touch screen. I was momentarily delayed in savoring the awesomeness.

The first bite set the bar. It was hot and juicy, with a crispy fried coating. The cheese was melted and creamy. The bacon and special sauce gave it a surprising, spicy, smoky kick -- they set off each of the 13 secret spices of the original recipe. In short, it was a delicious mouthful of food.


And then I began to notice the less pleasant sensations. Where did KFC find so many pieces of chicken shaped perfectly for a sandwich? Why is this meat so uniformly dense? How did I convince myself to ingest so many potential carcinogens and heart disease risk factors in one setting?

As the sandwich -- and I use that term loosely, considering there's no bread -- gently cooled down, the chicken became a little tougher to chew. The cheese became more noticeable as its own entity. The bacon took a little more tooth to cut through. It lacked the greasy, brand-new taste of seven minutes prior. I finished the sandwich and the mismatched fries, overstuffed from the weighty ingredients.

Hours later, I still felt uncomfortably full as I went to sleep. I wasn't exactly hungry when I woke up, either. I'm glad I challenged myself, though, to go through with it. At $5 ($7.08 with fries, and tax) it's an expensive undertaking for what it is. I would be much more pleased in the taste category with a Five Guys burger, or some Zaxby's chicken fingers -- and I know from experience that I wouldn't have the same gut-bombed feeling.

On the fast-food spectrum, KFC should stick to home-grown classics like regular fried chicken. Leave the creations to the other people, like Hardee's. They've always got some ridiculous Philly Cheesesteak Grilled Portabello Chipotle Girthyburger promotion going on. That's for some other time. In the meantime, I'm going to start a 3-day juice fast to clear the polyps inevitably growing in my large intestines.

 *Don't judge me. Or, if you have to judge me, note that I didn't order any biscuits or sweet tea. I still respect myself...a little bit.