5 Ways to Verify You're an Introvert

The scarily accurate Buzzfeed list  about "introvert problems" has been floating around the Web for a few days. Now, all the poor, misunderstood extroverts in this world have had time to formulate a rebuttal. Unfortunately, their list could also carry the hashtag #firstworldproblems* -- because it's just as insufferable.

In the wake of the original list, I now present this addendum. In the last week, I've suffered from each of these afflictions. If you find yourself related to any of them, remember: This is not about you, it's about me.

1. When you get more enjoyment out of grocery shopping and preparing the guacamole than you do from actually hosting the party.
2. When you come home from vacation and realize you kinda missed sitting alone in your cubicle for hours at a time. 
3. You'll go to Panera to use their wireless for 30 minutes rather than call your internet provider for tech support.
4. You're grateful that you have to wake up super early Saturday morning -- because it gives you an excuse to stay in on Friday night. 
5. When you think, "Hey, give Anthony Weiner a break. What's the problem with sexting, anyway? There's no risk of disease or pregnancy. Even better: You don't even have to engage in awkward small talk." 

*That reminds me: I put a new battery in my car and it erased my radio presets. Dammit. I guess I'll have to listen to Spotify Premium for a few days. 

In the conference room of Johnson and Richards...

Welcome to your interview, Ms. McMann. How are you?

I am well, thank you. Let me start with a question. It says here you don't discriminate based on "...affectional or sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, or sex." Is that correct?

Absolutely not. Here at Johnson and Richards, we believe in the unique abilities of all people.   

Great. Because based on my DNA, I'm a man. But I choose to identify as a woman.

Although as you can see, I'm a short-haired woman with a strong jawline and broad shoulders. Also, I wear pants, because I won't be forced into dressing "like a lady."

And I'm sexually attracted to women, because that's what my DNA dictates. However, I have no problem showing affection to men, because I will not be ruled by stereotypes.

-Certainly not. So, do you have any experience with Microsoft Excel?

Come again?

-Well, this is an interview for the administrative assistant position.

So because I told you I identify as a woman, you think I'm only qualified to be a secretary?

-No...I'm sorry, what? You requested this interview because you implied you were well suited to the job.

If I were any less of a lady, I would smack you in the face! But instead, I am going to be dignified and talk to human resources about your tact -- or lack thereof.

-I apologize, Miss...

Say no more! I will not be subjected to your antiquated labels.

-But I already called you Miss and you didn't object. In fact, it's what's on your resume.

So you are reducing me to a piece of paper? I am a dignified woman, goddammit. I demand to be treated with respect! Or would you rather me strut in here with my "package" in my hand?

-Excuse me...your package? I didn't think wom...

That's right, you didn't think.

-...I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I don't think you're cut out for this position.

"Don't discriminate," my ass! My lawyer will be in touch soon.

The calm after the storm

I've done many things that I considered failures, or at least severely subpar. Today, however, I notched my first DNF in a race. It's strange to be sitting in a hotel room contemplating this fact, but I will choose to list my succeses instead.

1. I started the race. Despite the awful conditions, I showed up. You can't win if you don't try.
2. I swam fairly well, considering the 60-degree water. I didn't swallow too much disgusting river bile, either!
3. My bike worked. Shifting was a tad wonky but what can ya do?
4. I felt good about my physical fitness for the length of this race. I'm in shape.
5. I made the toughest decision: To not endanger myself or others by continuing to ride while dangerously cold and trembling.

I ended the race on my own terms, which is unfortunately not something everybody can say. With the  recent death at 3 State 3 Mountain in equally bad conditions fresh on my mind, I chose to live to race another day.

I know, it's not a glamorous end to my second half-iron distance race. But it was necessary. I really appreciate the support from my friends, fellow competitors, Rev3 staff, and the Blount County sheriff who picked me off the side of the road.

Until next time, keep the rubber side down and stay dry.

I got into Kale (but deferred my enrollment)

Kale: The ultimate PR success story

Five years ago, who even knew what kale was? Now, you can't crack open Men's Journal or Shape without an article about its benefits -- not least of which is its ability to be substituted into many of your staple dishes.

And we buy it. We buy the narrative, and we buy the kale. It's a superfood! It has vitamins and minerals! Antioxidants! Fiber! Protein! What?! A plant with PROTEIN? Ya don't say! I have been trying to bulk up...

Last week, I broke down -- $2.99 got me a package the size of a 30-lb bag of Alpo. As I hoisted it over my shoulder, I could already feel the shame. It barely fit in the refrigerator. But it cooks down! Really -- use a gallon! It's just, like, a handful after you've cooked it!

So I began subbing in kale like it was the 6-man on a playoff team.

Kale! Get off the bench. Romaine has four fouls. I want to see a full-court press!

Kale! I need you in now. Spinach is wilting out there!

Dammit, kale -- did I say take a break?! Arugula is limping and you're just sitting there like grass on a damn field!

The lesson I learned

Kale is not an acceptable replacement for anything. Let me show you the head-to-head matchups.

1. Kale vs. Spinach: Spinach
• Raw, sauteed, blended in smoothies...there's no competition. Spinach is capable of so much more. It can be creamy, crunchy, juicy and crispy. Kale is none of those things.
• Even KitchenAid blenders aren't powerful enough to chop kale into a drinkable product. The stalk is so tough, it would take John Deere blush.
2. Kale vs. Romaine: Romaine
• Duh. As a supplement to salad, small pieces of kale are OK. But you have to disguise it with extra dressing -- probably rendering its health benefits moot.
• Also, you're supposed to massage kale to improve its eatability. Massage it. With your hands. I don't know about you, but I don't pay good money to give a luxurious rub-down.
3. Kale vs. Broccoli: Broccoli
• When your carnivorous roommate asks if you're cooking broccoli and you say, "No, it's kale," and he's disappointed, just stop.
4. Kale chips vs. Potato chips: Potato chips
• Perhaps the worst myth of all -- that baked kale is a good substitute for chips. No. You will be so dissatisfied after eating "kale chips" that you'll also eat potato chips to redeem yourself. You may also eat some pork cracklins and deep-fried Snickers dipped in queso, just for good measure. 

The worst part of this experiment is that I will likely continue to eat kale, because of its alleged health benefits. You know what they say:

Eat well. Exercise. Die anyway.