I got into Kale (but deferred my enrollment)

Kale: The ultimate PR success story

Five years ago, who even knew what kale was? Now, you can't crack open Men's Journal or Shape without an article about its benefits -- not least of which is its ability to be substituted into many of your staple dishes.

And we buy it. We buy the narrative, and we buy the kale. It's a superfood! It has vitamins and minerals! Antioxidants! Fiber! Protein! What?! A plant with PROTEIN? Ya don't say! I have been trying to bulk up...

Last week, I broke down -- $2.99 got me a package the size of a 30-lb bag of Alpo. As I hoisted it over my shoulder, I could already feel the shame. It barely fit in the refrigerator. But it cooks down! Really -- use a gallon! It's just, like, a handful after you've cooked it!

So I began subbing in kale like it was the 6-man on a playoff team.

Kale! Get off the bench. Romaine has four fouls. I want to see a full-court press!

Kale! I need you in now. Spinach is wilting out there!

Dammit, kale -- did I say take a break?! Arugula is limping and you're just sitting there like grass on a damn field!

The lesson I learned

Kale is not an acceptable replacement for anything. Let me show you the head-to-head matchups.

1. Kale vs. Spinach: Spinach
• Raw, sauteed, blended in smoothies...there's no competition. Spinach is capable of so much more. It can be creamy, crunchy, juicy and crispy. Kale is none of those things.
• Even KitchenAid blenders aren't powerful enough to chop kale into a drinkable product. The stalk is so tough, it would take John Deere blush.
2. Kale vs. Romaine: Romaine
• Duh. As a supplement to salad, small pieces of kale are OK. But you have to disguise it with extra dressing -- probably rendering its health benefits moot.
• Also, you're supposed to massage kale to improve its eatability. Massage it. With your hands. I don't know about you, but I don't pay good money to give a luxurious rub-down.
3. Kale vs. Broccoli: Broccoli
• When your carnivorous roommate asks if you're cooking broccoli and you say, "No, it's kale," and he's disappointed, just stop.
4. Kale chips vs. Potato chips: Potato chips
• Perhaps the worst myth of all -- that baked kale is a good substitute for chips. No. You will be so dissatisfied after eating "kale chips" that you'll also eat potato chips to redeem yourself. You may also eat some pork cracklins and deep-fried Snickers dipped in queso, just for good measure. 

The worst part of this experiment is that I will likely continue to eat kale, because of its alleged health benefits. You know what they say:

Eat well. Exercise. Die anyway.