Newrotic... mellow dramatic... what do these seemingly incorrect word combos have in common, besides being totally made-up? They're part of my new school of philosophy, as related to the cycles of my ever-developing thought processes.
Not unlike Stephen Colbert's "truthiness," these descriptors are meant to appeal to the guilty pleasures we all have, but can't describe or admit to without suffering embarrassment at the hands of our supposedly more level-headed peers. It's time somebody came clean and gave these internal conflicts the attention they deserve. I'm no Freud (who would want to be?), but I suspect I'm not the only person experiencing these influxes and withdrawals of emotion.
I dream big, but maybe not big enough. I don't want to be a modern-day robber baron/press mogul like Rupert Murdoch...but I sure don't want anybody to outperform me at what I do choose to pursue. It's evident, then, why I was sick to my stomach upon earning a C-minus on my editing midterm. Pardon my slang, but WTF? I know I'm not yet a trained professional, but come on--that's my career choice.
When I was forced Tuesday to acknowledge a factual mistake at work and issue a correction, it compounded my miseries. All at once, I lost credibility; now I'm tasked with starting at the bottom and earning back the trust of my readers (and editors).
The challenge, however, is in how I handle the situation. Do I complain to everybody I come into contact with? Yes--and I'm sorry. But I don't want to be "that guy" who complains about all the (mostly voluntary) work he does, so I play it off with dry sarcasm to deflect the criticism. Hence, freaking out while still trying to appear cool, calm and collected = mellow dramatic.
And sure--I'm a little neurotic. Once upon a time, it was hip to be a worrisome, sexually frustrated, self-examining dude (think High Fidelity), but that ship has sailed. Now it's an antiquated way to steal a cheap laugh. It's still fine to turn the camera inward, but don't assume that everybody is fascinated by an uber-introspective loner. Learn and teach, but don't preach. Maybe others feel the same way; be a guiding light. That's newrotic--worrying about the little things, and applying them to the outside world. It's not all about you.
This made more sense when it was only in my head. I'll try to develop it later.
1 comment:
I've definitely been having one of those semesters as well. It seems like God has just deemed me unable to make A's all of a sudden! But I think you and I are both capable and intelligent people who will be better off for having these humbling experiences. Sometimes you just have to have your world rocked to remind you that you aren't always the shit. It sucks, but it's necessary. I know you're a great writer, and so does everyone else. As you already have, take a day to obsess over it, then channel it and allow it to make you into a better writer and person. Much love home slice.
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