Rembrandt's: An Artist's Approach to Autumn

My mid-week, mid-morning treat came from Rebrandt's, in the form of a caramel-apple cupcake.

Maybe my measurement estimates were off...

Let me start by saying that I don't enjoy real caramel apples. They're too much hassle, and the hardened caramel plays heck with my teeth. Dipping apple slices in caramel sauce is a bit better, but only if somebody else does the slicing. However! Bake it into a bite-size morsel of flavors and textures, and you have a winner.

The price is $2.25 for what is, by today's standards, an exceedingly small cupcake. Maybe 1.5" across at its widest point, and 2" deep, including the icing. This is precisely what makes it a winner in my book.

Instead of paying $4 for a dense brick of cake with an almost-inedible glop of icing three inches high (not to mention the symphony of stomach grumblings and days of guilty self-starvation and exercise), Rembrandt's has managed to keep their offering within the realm of acceptable indulgence. In fact, I only ate half of one, and yet I managed to enjoy the experience.

The apple cake base was tasty enough to stand on its own, and I'd be surprised if Rembrandt's doesn't sell loaves (I didn't check). It had a light, springy texture. The modest spread of (cream cheese?) icing gave some complexity of texture, and the drizzle of caramel on top imparted just enough flavor.

Eat it: Perfectly portioned; Powerful flavors that wouldn't feel right in any other season; Support local business!

Beat it: The cupcake bubble may have already burst



Apparently I can't identify shapes.



I decided to bookend my lunch with another Rembrandt's sugar bomb: the Autumn Dream Cookie. Two leaf acorn-shaped sugar cookies, dusted with cinnamon and nutmeg, provided a crumbly exterior.



The real gem of this cookie is the tea-infused icing in the middle, however. What kind of tea? Well, the barista mumbled, so I can't tell you. But it had a lot of syllables, so it must be exotic and delicious.

You might say it was more complex than the plain cream cheese icing on the cupcake. Or you might say, "This tastes like a snickerdoodle and a wedding cake made sweet, sweet love."

Eat it: A big, fancy Oreo!

Beat it: Wipe away crumbs before you get little grease spots on your pants

My Fizzy Fix of Pumpkin Ale

If I were a smarter man, I would have gone to a progressive market like GreenLife to get a mix-and-match 6-pack of fall-flavored beers.

As it happened, I bought a full sixer of Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale from Bi Lo. At $8.29 plus tax it's not cheap, but it's a steal compared to the typical four-dollar pour (or more) at a restaurant. And if I didn't like it, I could surely find somebody to unload the other five on.

The epitome of mass-produced "handcrafted" goodness

Luckily, I liked it. A lot. There are a few critical elements that characterize a good beer for me; namely, color and flavor. "Lite" beers typically skimp on both. Harvest Pumpkin, however, has plenty of each.

Actually, let's review some real beer traits:

• I generally prefer ales to lagers. Harvest Pumpkin Ale: Check.
• A good beer retains drinkability as it moves from ice-cold to room temperature. HPA was still tasty as I reached the bottom of the bottle. (NOTE: If you don't nurse your beverage like a baby, you won't know what I'm talking about.)
• Fall seasonals trend toward a slightly higher alcohol content, probably so they can stand up to the heavier dishes they accompany. At 5.7% ABV, one bottle provides a nice tingle for a lightweight like me. Two bottles would make Thanksgiving dinner with extended family seem tolerable. Three bottles would have me passing out in the gravy.

The packaging describes the brew as having "vine-ripened pumpkin and flavors of cloves, nutmeg, and allspice." I would describe it as "beer, with some pumpkin." It has a light, pleasant taste that would be at home with late-summer/early-autumn grilled meats, and it wouldn't be out of place preceding a slice of pecan pie. Harvest Pumpkin Ale would be a good fit for watching football on the first chilly Saturday that forces you into your favorite team's sweatshirt.

Blue Moon does every limited-run drink well. Harvest Pumpkin is no exception. If you don't feel like paying extra, however, regular Blue Moon knows no seasonal boundaries.

Eat it: Great taste, only mildly filling; No weird pumpkin aftertaste

Beat it: Love-it-or-hate-it flavor; Doesn't pair well with certain foods; At close to $9 for a 6-pack, you'll only want to buy it once

First Flavors of Fall

It's officially been fall for two days, and to celebrate this often-underrated season, I've decided to create a regular installment called Flavors of Fall. The project is exactly as it sounds: a review of autumnal faux-artisan food and drink creations. Why? Because as Americans, it's our God-given right to pay huge premiums for limited-edition things we could probably make cheaply at home!

This series begins in earnest today, after I unwittingly sampled two limited-time-only flavors from competing coffeehouses.

Breakfast was a cherry-vanilla bagel at Panera, and it can best be described as pretty good. Not great, not bad. It's a bagel with two pretty common flavors. What more do you want from it?


Eat it: Sliced cleaner and toasted more evenly than at home; Sweet, but not overly so; Novelty evokes the impending cool weather; Only 370 calories (if you're counting)

Beat it: Not nearly as satisfying as a Panera breakfast sandwich with eggs/cheese/bacon; Still not the best Panera bagel (cinnamon crunch still holds that title); Cream cheese costs as much as the bagel?!?! WTF??


My afternoon splurge was the venerable Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks (decaf, for what it's worth). Just yesterday, I read about what its yearly return is doing to the American man -- mainly, turning us into a bunch of pansies. But if I order it with the awareness of its 380 calories and 23,075 grams of sugar, and make sure not to insert any sibilant S's into my ssspicce, and hold the scalding liquid in my calloused hands without the protection of a cup sleeve: Does that make it OK?

In a word, no. It's still goofy to nurse a grande Pumpkin Spice Latte while writing about said Pumpkin Spice Latte. I hate myself. Starbucks loves me.

It's pretty good, though. Seriously. At least the first few piping hot sips. Like most flavored coffee drinks, however, 12 oz should be the maximum allowable size. Any more, and the last sips run the risk of souring (literally) the delicate balance of milk, espresso and diabetes sugar.

Eat it: Like it or not, pumpkin really is the flavor of fall (until they come out with a turkey-flavored latte); Pumpkin spice is a powerful aphrodisiac for men

Beat it: Only good when it's really hot -- another vote for keeping it small; The sugar leaves an undesirable aftertaste; All the pumpkin spice in the world won't get you laid if your breath smells like fermented sugars and coffee; Freakin' expensive

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Disclaimer: I do not get anything for free. I know you think manufacturers throw product at professional writers such as myself, hoping for a favorable review. But in the interest of fair assessments, I pay for everything. That means price is a factor in my reviews. I'm big on value. And really, this whole undertaking is just my excuse to eat and drink a lot of stuff that's probably pretty bad for me.

This Is The Most Confusing Sentence Ever

Also, the idea it conveys is totally whack.

Is this paragraph single sentence the most difficult thing to read since Beowulf or what?

The former lawmaker speculated that BlueCross' move may stem from what he says was a backlash from national gay organizations this spring after the Republican-controlled General Assembly passed a Fowler-generated bill that banned cities from enacting ordinances banning anti-gay discrimination by local government-contractors.

Sorry, what? Ignore first half, which is all he-said/she-said drivel. Just look at the main clause:

...the Republican-controlled General Assembly passed a Fowler-generated bill that banned cities from enacting ordinances banning anti-gay discrimination by local government-contractors.

Ok, so the bill is passed. What does the bill do, exactly? Look at the last quarter:

...banned cities from enacting ordinances banning anti-gay discrimination by local government-contractors.

One more time (emphasis my own):

...banned cities from enacting ordinances banning anti-gay discrimination...

Just to be clear, this law says that anti-gay discrimination is OK, as long as it's a local goverment contractor holding them down.


Huh?


So gays need basic human rights, which would normally be afforded to them by...the government. But this bill says that city governments can't tell their privatized affiliates to be nice to the gays.

The subtext of the story is as follows:
1. Don't work for city government if you plan to disclose your sexuality.
2. Don't disclose your sexuality.
3. Don't be gay.

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From Wikipedia: Twelve states, over one hundred local governments, and the District of Columbia^[6] have passed statutes that forbid discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation; also, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act will allegedly make sexuality a protected class, but this bill has yet to pass Congress.

• That act will apply to "civilian, nonreligious employers with at least 15 employees"