First Flavors of Fall

It's officially been fall for two days, and to celebrate this often-underrated season, I've decided to create a regular installment called Flavors of Fall. The project is exactly as it sounds: a review of autumnal faux-artisan food and drink creations. Why? Because as Americans, it's our God-given right to pay huge premiums for limited-edition things we could probably make cheaply at home!

This series begins in earnest today, after I unwittingly sampled two limited-time-only flavors from competing coffeehouses.

Breakfast was a cherry-vanilla bagel at Panera, and it can best be described as pretty good. Not great, not bad. It's a bagel with two pretty common flavors. What more do you want from it?


Eat it: Sliced cleaner and toasted more evenly than at home; Sweet, but not overly so; Novelty evokes the impending cool weather; Only 370 calories (if you're counting)

Beat it: Not nearly as satisfying as a Panera breakfast sandwich with eggs/cheese/bacon; Still not the best Panera bagel (cinnamon crunch still holds that title); Cream cheese costs as much as the bagel?!?! WTF??


My afternoon splurge was the venerable Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks (decaf, for what it's worth). Just yesterday, I read about what its yearly return is doing to the American man -- mainly, turning us into a bunch of pansies. But if I order it with the awareness of its 380 calories and 23,075 grams of sugar, and make sure not to insert any sibilant S's into my ssspicce, and hold the scalding liquid in my calloused hands without the protection of a cup sleeve: Does that make it OK?

In a word, no. It's still goofy to nurse a grande Pumpkin Spice Latte while writing about said Pumpkin Spice Latte. I hate myself. Starbucks loves me.

It's pretty good, though. Seriously. At least the first few piping hot sips. Like most flavored coffee drinks, however, 12 oz should be the maximum allowable size. Any more, and the last sips run the risk of souring (literally) the delicate balance of milk, espresso and diabetes sugar.

Eat it: Like it or not, pumpkin really is the flavor of fall (until they come out with a turkey-flavored latte); Pumpkin spice is a powerful aphrodisiac for men

Beat it: Only good when it's really hot -- another vote for keeping it small; The sugar leaves an undesirable aftertaste; All the pumpkin spice in the world won't get you laid if your breath smells like fermented sugars and coffee; Freakin' expensive

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Disclaimer: I do not get anything for free. I know you think manufacturers throw product at professional writers such as myself, hoping for a favorable review. But in the interest of fair assessments, I pay for everything. That means price is a factor in my reviews. I'm big on value. And really, this whole undertaking is just my excuse to eat and drink a lot of stuff that's probably pretty bad for me.